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Saturday, December 23, 2006

Brown paper and string.

Nearly here. Sitting up late, fire's fading, wrapping all the presents in brown paper and string. Always used to - almost a tradition for me. Felt I needed that.

And the whole thing, the Christmas experience has kinda crept up on me. Failed to write cards. Bought a whole load of things that don't seem to suit who I need to give presents too.

Hardest thing? Not writing Kate on the tags as I cut them out of old cards. Old cards that are adressed to her.

Going to be hard. Going to let it.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Christmas, crash and bippety boom...

Bit more pain and a whole load more pleasure. King Pleasure in fact! And the Biscuit Boys!

Went late night shopping in our local metropolis. Norwich. A Fine City. Must be; it says so on the sign as you drive in.
Love my kids - they get excited by simple little delights like Park and Ride. Riding the top deck too. Woohoo!
Jenny and her kids made up the gang, safety shopping in numbers.
Plus my wonderful sister.
Queen of shopping, surfer of the bargain wave.
Lovely evening, not too busy, meandering miles with our goody filled bags. Bought a lot for not alot. Home and happy.
Except - well Alice. Became obvious she was having a real problem needing lots of cuddles to cure it.
Yup - she'd had a really fun evening, more fun than she could remember. And that was the problem. She couldn't ever remember ever going shopping with Kate. Not like this. Having trouble remembering the good times. Bless. Poor little one. In her nine years, Kate was ill for the first and last two.
Next day, I pulled up some photos in iPhoto to show Alice. Y'see? Loads of good times. Shopping, holidays, school events, folk festivals. In fact, even after Alice drifted away with a friend, I carried on. Parties, summertime on the beach, pictures beneath the trees in blossom in the garden, snowmen, and... Christmas. Tearing parcels open in the pyjama early morning.
She's still here, in my head. Looking after me. Sometimes so it hurts.

Went to see King Pleasure and the Biscuit Boys - back to Norwich, this time to the Arts Centre. Converted church in a bohemian part of town.
Bought Nervous Bob a ticket - happy birthday/christmas Bob! Met up with Al and Nicky - happy birthday dear!
And to share a childless evening I took along Jenny. Warm and lovely. Bubbly to beyond.
Would have been a perfect evening if I hadn't crashed the car taking the kids to my sister's...

But Jenny and King Pleasure kept me distracted and entertained. Not till the small hours, bit overwhelmed - the photos, the crash, Christmas coming, all mixed up with new feelings, and fun with friends. Knowing how Alice felt, only more so. Head too full, too much emotion.

And rest.

Crisp fresh morning and a slow start. Bright, bright sun. Long lie-in, listening to the Archers Omnibus. Spent the day fixing the car, beat it back into shape, and we're there. Order restored, warm tea, bath night and... rest.

I love the ups. Really do. It's just they make the downs a little deeper.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Pain and pleasure.

Went to the dentist yesterday. Barbara.
Been in some pain the past few weeks. Paracetomol, Ibuprofen, - eventually resorted to Vodka. Finally had to give up on a tooth. Barbara looked sorry as she ripped it from my head. I gave her a hug.
Pain had spread everywhere - hope it was the right one...
Brought the bloody little bugger home to show the kids.
That should make them clean their teeth properly.

It was a bit of a "show and tell" day - Alice took the cucumber with the shrinkwrap encapsulated tarantula to school with her. Like to keep her as odd as me.

I do find pleasure in that.

Tired, and lazy, sat on the sofa, Amelie on the telly, Adium on the powerbook, keeping in contact, instant messaging with a real good friend.
Looking at the tree she helped decorate with the kids. Luverly...

Pleasure. Grab it where you can, there's enough pain out there. Hole in my head, but I'm happy.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Chumbley Warner Corner

For many a year I've travelled pretty much the same route to work. There's other, longer, straighter, safer routes. With more traffic on them. Lorries. School buses, tractors. Long queues all moving at the speed of the slowest driver.

So I cut across country. Through a couple of villages before swerving out through the woods. Apart from the occasional deer, it's a pretty safe journey except in the snow, ice, fog, mud & rain. Then it's real fun! Not too many other road users. Except at one junction. The Harling Fiveway crossing.
Two long straight downhill sections meet at a sweeping bend. Over the years I've lived all round this area, working at various places. Always enjoyed that sweeping bend - testing the limit on motorcycles, scooters, three wheelers, even with a trailer full of scrap. Some mornings there's evidence of those that haven't been as lucky. Fresh furrows ploughed in fields, tyres rolled off rims.
And at it's apex, three roads meet.
Hang on. Bit like this;

Most mornings? Draw up. Look left. Look right. And over into the woods. Used to share a lift and each took a side, looking over the hedges to the right, round the copse to the left, quick shout of "CLEAR!" and straight on, never slowing.

But some mornings, everyone arrives at this corner together. Stalemate. False starts, stalling, almost making eye contact until the bravest moves first.

Funny. So funny. Someone else thought so a while ago and pinned a sign to the huge oak tree facing me each morning.

Chumbley Warner Corner.

Made me laugh each morning, for the months it hung there. Pity it's been taken down now. I'd like to say "hey" to whoever put it there. And tell them it was me who put the bricks under a wheel-less shopping trolley in that layby in Wortham...

The clich├ęs of grief.

Loads of 'em.
Time is a great healer. Find yourself some "me" time.
And all of that.

But the one that sticks for me, is "moving on". Why?
Well, why? Move on from what? Why would I want to? Move on to where? There's still three quarters of everything we had living right here.
And I loved everything we had. Sure, it's a finite element, but so it is for everyone if you think about it?
Go ahead. I'm not going anywhere.

Nope. Moving on isn't for me. Kate offered me loads of little changes in my life. Added to the completeness. A warm well-being. Built me a confidence to face the world.

With THAT behind me, reckon I can find the time to face it again.

Currently listening to the Dresden Dolls. Passion. Lovely.

How could I fail?