Tightening the nuts

I've always seen engineering as reversing entropy. Putting some order to chaos. Over the years as a draughtsman, I've brought chilled air to giant overheating mainframe computers; storage tanks to prevent all Belgium being flooded inch deep in pig shyte; elevating booms for hanging the tangle of Blackpool illuminations; tankers for shipping thirty thousand litres of lard, Marmite, molten chocolate or boiling sulphur around the country without spilling a drop.

Thankless task. 100,000 lines in the right place count for nothing against that one misplaced hole that someone has to drill.

Instruction and service manuals to help the nervous operator, and confused engineer, make sense of their new machine; install it, use it, adjust, service and repair it. Pick the right part from exploded views, find the fault via spidery electrical drawings.

Thankless task. A million words correct, one dyslexic number and Canada gets a fuse instead of a relay.

Can't help myself, this fighting chaos spills over. To help straighten things up and oil the wheels for friends. And yet all the while skirting around my own need to fix it now problems until they become unavoidable.

Ran out of petrol rushing to Alice's school concert yesterday. Idiot. You meet the nicest people though, thumbing with a petrol can. Arrived in time to catch her singing and playing guitar. Lovely. Sat with a prim old lady from the village at the back of the church. Friend of Kate's from WI, and various local committees. Suddenly she turned to me and said "Are you finding this Christmas harder than last year?". I'd forgotten she lost her husband last year too. Guess she's right - last years numb, frantic autopilot replaced by confidence crushing self doubt. Losing time hand over fist. Getting nowhere fast.

Where's the effin' manual for Christmas?

Last year I lost the one who checked my work. De-cluttered my mind, straightened things out and ordered our world. I feel lucky to have found that certain someone again to hold spanner to bolt whilst I tighten the loose nuts of life. Some would say I'm still unhinged though...